something old

'Currently watching kid’s movies as I’m searching the interweb for my first post-grad, big girl job. Lately, I can’t seem to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. Truthfully my dream job is no job, but reality bites and that’s just not feasible. I can list the things I’m passionate about on one hand, without even using all five fingers. I’m seeing a new therapist tomorrow. My mother kept pushing for it, bless her soul, because she’s terrified of me regressing, which is a valid and very realistic fear. I can already feel it. The only thing I want to talk to her about is the boy I’m in love with, or we can say obsessed, instead of the boring and reused narrative of the abusive, alcoholic father. Although, I’m sure in some way they’re connected to each other.

I want to write, but I’m no good and this is a rare moment where the urge strikes and my fingers move. Am I relatable? Am I not alone? When will the dread end? Are blogs a thing anymore? Will people ever read this? Who knows. I soul search every night as I try to sleep but my forever need of being deep, dark, and misunderstood just never comes across in my foreboding and emo poetry. It’s just bad. Who am I trying to be? I want to be a rockstar, but I have stage fright. I want to be my mom, but I’m lazy.

I’m always nauseous and I’ve had a headache everyday of my life. I’ve been meaning to see a doctor about that. My neck hurts after another night of awful sleep. It's hard to believe I’m only 22, soon to be 23 come Sagittarius season. Thoughts that loom through my head before bed: Will I be the voice of my generation? No chance in hell. I don’t want that nor should that be allowed. Besides, I really don’t think I have much to add to the conversation. Everything’s been said already.

The beauty of this platform is that I don’t have to worry if I’m using words correctly or my grammar is poor. Because I dont care. I’m chronically sad and chronically longing for something else. I need a space to create and just make my own. So, here this is.'

September 2022

What you see above is something I wrote months ago and to tell you the truth not much has changed. I'm 23 now. I never did get that big girl job because I stopped looking for one. I just don't see that for myself and I need more time to just be reckless ya know ? I'm still obsessed with that boy but he broke my heart into a million pieces, again. That can be a later post, though, because I have a lot to say about that. I've been in therapy for a few months now and it's something. Idk I feel the same, but I'm going back on medication soon so that's cool. Not that it isn't helping, but I guess me and her both realized I'm more screwed up than originally thought. Still get headaches but now I have a headache hat, which everyone should invest in because it just feels really cool on your head.

More to come. Some old, lots new <3