how do i love myself

Looking in the mirror and not being happy with what you see is so typical. Loving who you are is probably the most rebellious act a woman, or anyone really, can do in this patriarchal and capitalistic world. And while there’s nothing I love more than doing what isn’t expected of me, in this I fall victim to the conditioning of society and my upbringing. Not to mention my mirror was clearly made in a funhouse factory and is only enabling my body dysmorphia.

Finishing dinner and immediately wanting to throw up, but I don't do that anymore. So, instead I cry. Curled up in the fetal position at the end of my bed like the dog that I am, waiting for something to happen. The urge to hurt myself rarely comes up anymore, but when it does it’s hard to get it to go away.

I told my therapist a story about a boy. In the story I cried. In the story I wanted to hurt myself. She asked me what I thought the story told her about me. I said I think it tells her that I'm deeply insecure. She said the story tells her that I'm deeply insecure. She gets sad for me. I get why, but I wish she didn't. I am a broken person, but I'm used to the hurt. She tells me I minimize my feelings, but I have to because what's my other option? Constant physical pain built up from the emotional pain. I have to dissociate because it keeps me sane. It's also torture, but less painful torture.

How can I love myself better? Sometimes I love myself too much. I develop a superiority complex to combat my inferiority complex. I think of myself as a god somedays, while others I don't even believe I have the worth of a roach. I try. I do. I like myself enough most of the time. I can never truly believe I'm worthy of anything good, though. I go back to shitty people, I put up with shitty things. I forgive too much and I love too hard. That story about a boy I told to my therapist, well I would forgive him if he came back and said he wanted to see me. He wouldn't even have to ask for forgiveness. If he wanted me he'd have me. He could do it again and again and that's okay because it's exactly what I'd expect.

I'm trying. I really am.